She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
