Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
