Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
