you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
