she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize