turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize