How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
