Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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