She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I will pee on everything he values.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
