I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
