Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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