I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
