Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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