I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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