Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
we should paint friendship bongs
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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