You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
