I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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