and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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