there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
