the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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