I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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