I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
