She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
