Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
