you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
