After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
