he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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