I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
