i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize