Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
