i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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