those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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