you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
