He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
