she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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