would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
should my penis look like a turkey
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
