i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
