I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
