I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
