mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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