In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
