Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
