i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
