Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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