We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
