When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
