Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
