I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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