Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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