New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
