Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize