Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize