considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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