Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
