I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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