why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
how does that bad decision feel?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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