Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
