sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
