I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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