Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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