I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's always time for handjobs
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
