Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
