Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
