Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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